I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
the last thing a carrot sees
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”