PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
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It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?