Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
You Might Also Like
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Just got to our Airbnb!
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.