Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
asking santa clause for nudes
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Genius idea!!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Dietest Coke
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY