U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me, in DM rooms…
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…