me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
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replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.