I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.