they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.