ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
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Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.