They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
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Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!