* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
*pronounces fake like saké*
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM