Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
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The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Note to self: I am a note
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo