My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
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*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting