“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
🤭😂
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.