Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Who chose this font
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.