“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I am a gravy boat captain
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.