Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
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I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
seems like a niche market
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
live long and prosper!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you