My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
😂🤣😂🤣
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house