The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Every time my phone rings
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.