The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
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Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?