having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
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hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
How dude HOW?!
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie