bears
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If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…