911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
You Might Also Like
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Stick it to the man
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect