I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.