Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules