Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.