Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You Might Also Like
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.