I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
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I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Europe. Made in Germany.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Boom, boom, ching!
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming