my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“Huge”.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀