WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.