[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
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Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Has science gone too far?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.