Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.