Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
*cough*
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.