Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.