[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
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*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
🚲+physics = winner
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.