My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: