Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails