Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.