[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
HR said no more nunchucks.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
You’ll be OK
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.