Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.