Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
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Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits