ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My favorite female superhero
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you