I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
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weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.