I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*puts cutlery down*
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.