*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Body by cheese-puffs.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?