People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
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When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’m listening
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
BRAKING NEWS!!
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?