I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.