Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?