If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
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Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!