If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes